every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card