Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”