When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.