When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Heroic Misunderstanding
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?