My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!