“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
me and who
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going