When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh