“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
saving face 👀