When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I beg your pardon?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.