When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You Might Also Like
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago