According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
How actors in movies eat their food
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.