When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
found this cool rock hiking today
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey