When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
You Might Also Like
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.