First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.