When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Ummm
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
my one true gender
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.