Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
ACED my prostate exam!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!