I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.