@DaddyJew: Cashier: how would you like to pay? Me: with my good looks if possible Cashier: Me: Cashier: Me: credit

@Fred_Delicious: **You're through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops** [smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@Aspersioncast: China are probably making all the medals anyway.

@electrolemon: i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

@ChrisScarlette: We now return to 'CANADIAN SNIPER' *canadian sniper shoots an enemy* *canadian sniper yells 'sorry' from far away*