@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

@MandiAtRandom: Don't describe two completely different things as "apples and oranges" they're both fruit Say something like "elephants and crystal meth"

@PaulSchissler: People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole

@AnnietheNanny1: "Do you moan when you eat?" Me, making small talk in an elevator

@stevevsninjas: Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan