@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
@MandiAtRandom: Don't describe two completely different things as "apples and oranges" they're both fruit
Say something like "elephants and crystal meth"
@PaulSchissler: People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole
@AnnietheNanny1: "Do you moan when you eat?"
Me, making small talk in an elevator
@stevevsninjas: Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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