No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
me before I type out affect or effect
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH