It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Check your privilege
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Respect
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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