when dads have a rap battle
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy