tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.