Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u