@snatch_stache: When dealing with the police it's important to always remain calm and be white.
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@TheHatStore: [Leaving office] BOSS: I'm gonna work on my car this weekend ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
@BobTheSuit: My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
@moose_chocolate: "So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?" -me to everyone at Starbucks.