When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
No regrets in 2018
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.