When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
At least my masseuse has my back.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.