When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?