When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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Well, this explains it:
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ