@meganamram: WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I'M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360
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@KKAlThani: Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@markleggett: A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.