@meganamram: WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I'M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360
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@Manda_like_wine: What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
@PandAmonnia: *boyfriend calls girlfriend* Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!" Gf: "we're breaking up" Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."
@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.