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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
pep talk
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
#Caturday
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.