@m00nrocks: When does CPR become necrophilia?
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@hazelmotes1: Alien: take me to your leader. Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?
@slimmy_shady: Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
@Rollinintheseat: *Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."
@OutOnTheMoors: "Comedians" don't RT because? A. Their tweets are pure gold. B. This is just a joke-tryout site. C. They know we're all funnier than them.