When does CPR become necrophilia?
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…