When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.