When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks