When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The pasta is now
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Digital security in Ancient Troy
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick