When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
You Might Also Like
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂