When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.