[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !