Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”