I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open