When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮