@MomofTeen: When emails tell me to "Act Now!," I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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@DaveWeasel: If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.
@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
@brennadine: "How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars," I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried