You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
The funk soul brother
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore