When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”