When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!