When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
S/o to @funTweeters .
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?