When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain