gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You Might Also Like
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Lmfao
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
your honor my client chooses dare
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.