@JhonRules: When girls ask if I'm good in bed, I tell them "Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours".
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@ceejoyner: Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
@causticbob: I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam on eBay'. That was two months ago, and it's not arrived yet.
@sad_tree: *returns tent to Target* CASHIER: What was the problem? ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.