My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*