5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes