In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test