@TheFearBoners: When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
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@SardonicTart: 10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@bourgeoisalien: [walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.