@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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@abbycohenwl: *pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
@BradBroaddus: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
@KeetPotato: henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife's head off and i can't get a txt back