@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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@iamburtjarvis: [spelling bee] judge: your word is serendipity. me: can you use it in a sentence. judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
@DaddyJew: I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
@ImaFlyontheWall: Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that? Me: In the front or back of the car?
@trevso_electric: Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.