When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track