@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
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@joejwest: [hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
@brynnester: [First Date] Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message! Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I'll definitely do it face to face